Today is Christian's 2nd birthday, and I am finding myself at a loss for words. I've attempted writing this post so many times but there are so many emotions going on inside my heart that I am not sure how to express them.
It has been an emotional week for us. I had a great 37 week check up with my doctor (the one who delivered Christian) and seeing him was very nice. It is such a blessing to have a doctor that you trust so much. I know I am in great hands with him, and I know that he cares about me and my family.
Yesterday we had a tour of the hospital where both Chase and Christian were born. We also went over our birth plan with the nurse coordinator. I couldn't believe the timing being so close to his second birthday. Going into it I knew it would be hard, but it was good for us to go in once more before the birth as we had not been back since Christian was born.
I could feel my emotions bubbling up on the surface on the drive over. The labor and delivery unit has since been remodeled, which is a blessing in itself. But when we turned the corner at the start of the tour and I spotted a painting on the wall of a little child with an orange and black butterfly - I lost it. It was as if he was there with us in that moment, and it all came flooding back. Overall, the tour was so good for us, and we left feeling excited and hopeful.
I have found this second birthday much different than last year. It is more hopeful for us, but all of the sadness is still very much here. Grieving and missing Christian while anticipating the birth of our son is bittersweet and very, very complicated.
We miss him. And no amount of time will ever make that go away. The hurt and pain of those early days comes and goes, but around his birthday I'm trying to remember the time we were blessed with, the sweet memories I have of holding him and hearing him cry. He was and will always be such a blessing to our family.
We have a family day planned today that we are looking forward to. We want it to be a day of remembering, honoring and celebrating our special boy.
Thanks to all who have called, texted, sent cards and have supported us this week. You are truly a blessing to us and to know you still care and remember means the world.