Anniversaries and dates relating to Christian are hard for me.
And pregnancy hormones and grief, two years later, are proving to not mesh well together.
This year it snuck up on me and hit me like a ton of bricks this morning. I knew the day was coming, and I kept waiting for the emotional parts of what that day held to come.
They came today.
Songs on the radio, seeing a little boy the age Christian would be, and just remembering how hard those first few weeks were after getting his diagnosis. Sometimes it can really feel like yesterday.
I wrote a lot about that day a year afterward, so I won't get into the details. I'm amazed at how far we have come. And I am reminded that his short life touched so many. It has been hard this year thinking about my current pregnancy and how things are going well so far, but things with him were so different. And then the whys come and I just don't understand any of it. I'm trying to focus on the good though, because there is so much of it - even through the pain.
God spoke to me through Chase today and it took my breath away.
I have thought about his words all day.
I was visibly upset and told Chase that I missed Christian and just wished he could be here with us. After he went and got me a pillow and told me to lay down, (seriously, how sweet!) I told him thank you and that Mommy would be ok, I just miss him. And the next words out of his mouth were, "Well, you won't miss him when it's heaven day!" - meaning, I won't miss him when we are all together in heaven again.
I am so thankful for this message from God, through the words of my sweet little boy. What a promise that is on a day when so many raw emotions come flooding back.