In the baby loss community, a baby conceived/born after a loss is called a rainbow baby.
I think this describes it well:
We are overjoyed at the thought of having another baby. It has been scary, emotional, and it feels a whole lot like holding your breath for 40 weeks.
But we are so excited for what the Lord has blessed us with.
But first, a little backstory!
So in the past I haven't shared all the details about our journey through infertility, but if you've read for a while or know us well you know getting pregnant isn't easy for us. And we are no strangers to friends going through this painful process either. So I understand that if you are in a place right now where reading about a pregnancy is difficult, I get it if you just don't want to. Really, I do. Believe me when I say I am praying for you, because anyone going through infertility, loss and adoption struggles are on my heart daily and in my prayers all the time.
That being said, I do want to be open here and share what the Lord has done in our lives because, frankly, I'm still wonderstruck by it all. And it is my prayer that the story will bless someone in some small way and show just how much BIGGER our God is than any type of struggle you might be going through.
We knew we wanted another baby one day. But deciding when to start the grueling process again was a struggle. Not only are we still grieving our son Christian, but having to think about the countless appointments, daily shots and medications and procedures just had us feeling so lost. We went to a new doctor for a fresh start, and we were hopeful that what worked in the past would work again. After a lot of waiting on the Lord and then a spring and summer full of unsuccessful procedures, we were unsure what to do next. In fact, during my last appointment with the new doctor, I was told I had about a 3-8% chance to get pregnant with our current treatment.
So fast forward to the end of our summer. We decided to just take a break from treatment and tried to enjoy our summer vacation to Gulf Shores and Nashville. We had an appointment with the doctor we had when we conceived Christian upon returning...and that was kinda looming in our minds.
When we eventually met with that doctor, he remained hopeful and we left with a sense of peace that our current treatments COULD still work, they just hadn't worked YET. And then later that afternoon the doctor called me to discuss the bloodwork that he had requested during that appointment.
The conversation went something like this:
Me: "Hi, Dr. M., what's up with my bloodwork? Everything look ok?"
Dr.: "Sweetheart...you are pregnant."
Dr.:"You are pregnant."
Me: "What?" (are you seeing where this is going?)
After he told me the news about 6 times and then asked if I had someone here at the house with me (I must have sounded pretty shocked!), the phone call finally ended.
So after that I pretty much walked around my house with my jaw on the floor for about 3 weeks I would say. We conceived this sweet little blessing without any treatment. No appointments, no shots, no medication, NOTHING - but the hand of God. He is so good. And we are so stunned to this day.
You see, God really is bigger than all of the big struggles in our lives. We have been through (and still go through at times) the shock, the hurt, the pain, the doubting, the heartache, the sleepless nights crying for a little boy we never knew - and now this. This precious life growing inside me now.
God is redeeming our loss of Christian through this baby. And I find myself without words.
Baby Buente #3 is due in May, will you please pray for us during this emotionally exciting time?
It makes me extrememly nervous to even call our baby a rainbow baby when he/she hasn't been born yet. But we are trying to put our faith in God. I also still struggle with being totally open and vulnerable on here and sharing my heart. This blog is a love letter to my family and children, so I want to document all that I can.
I also feel that if no one ever blogged about infertility or infant loss and their struggles, I wouldn't be where I am today. I'm grateful to those who opened up and shared their story with me and made me feel less alone, so that is why I am doing the same.