Sick and worried...

I don't talk a lot about fears on this blog, but I have them.

 

Chase woke up from his nap with a 103 temp last Thursday. I hate it when he is sick and hate that I don't know EXACTLY what it is that's bothering him. Tylenol only got his fever down to around 101, and when he fell asleep in my lap Friday afternoon (which he hasn't done since he was very little) I knew he was sick. I took him in for a checkup. Turns out it was something viral that just had to run its course.

Being his mother is my greatest joy. But in those intense feelings are also worries. My job is to protect him, to keep him safe. And when he's sick, I allow myself to go there and think the worst.

There were times after Christian passed that I would panic thinking about losing Chase, Wes, ANYONE or anything. I did not like the out of control feelings I had. Add to that the grief, hormones and heartache, it was the roughest time in my life. There were lots of late nights not being able to fall asleep easily and going in to check on Chase more times than I care to admit. Times when I would just lean over his crib and sob. Sometimes out of sadness because I could see Christian in his features, and sometimes out of joy that he was mine, and he was here, safe.

My fears can be gripping. And I've had to learn, every day, to give those fears to God. I'm realizing that worry really gets you no where, and it robs you from really enjoying life's best moments. I know God doesn't want me spending my days worrying about things that won't happen and situations that don't exist.

What does that look like? Giving your worries and fears to God? For me, it's going to Him during those moments and asking Him to give me the strength to know He is in control and knows what is best for me in all circumstances. My worrying won't change His will for my life. He alone can be my strength and support if I just allow Him to be.