Thursday, January 26, 2012

9 Months

Do you ever get to church on Sunday and feel that certain songs were hand picked by God Himself for you on that day? This Sunday was one of those days. We sang Blessed Be Your Name, and the tears definitely flowed.

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

That last verse is hard.
Hard to sing.
I had to choke back tears just to get through some of it.
And I've sung it many, many times but only now does it take on a new meaning that both stings me to my core and gives me hope at the same time.

When is it easy for you to praise God? To trust Him fully? To worship without abandon? Is it when the world, as this song states, is all as it should be? When things are going great? Or is it when you don't know where else to turn, when you are looking for REAL answers, and you find yourself lost?

Because I've been lost. Throughout the past 9 months, and while carrying Christian, I have felt lost, scared, unsure, worried and just plain tired! And yet I know the ONLY way to get through all of that, is by Jesus' love for me. Thank God for grace and hope in a new day.
No one except God knows why Christian couldn't stay here on Earth, why he was just too precious for this life. My arms still ache to hold him, and there are still days, 9 months later, when I can't catch my breath when I think of his sweet face. I'm still angry at times, though God has softened my heart. And there are still times when I can't believe this all happened. The new year brought with it hope, but we still have our down days. We will always mourn the sibling that isn't here to play with Chase, the little boy with brown hair like Mommy who should be here with us. Sometimes I feel guilty wanting him here when I know heaven is so much more.

We miss you Christian, and look forward to that day when we are all together. Mommy and Daddy can't wait to hold you again.


Post a Comment

Design by Small Bird Studios | All Rights Reserved