Sunday, August 28, 2011

4 months

  It's been 4 months. Four months since I last held Christian. As time moves on and my pain stands still I am reminded when I look at the calendar that it has been that long but in my heart it doesn't seem possible. Or real. Even now, it doesn't seem real. My faith is a lot like my grief, up and down like a rollercoaster. Some days I'm able to keep my head above the water and I think I am doing ok, and then the next day you might find me crying over a song I hear in spinning class of all places. It still hits hard and comes from nowhere. Some days I am angry, of course, and I honestly don't even know what or who I'm angry at. I suppose the situation in general, sometimes at God, even though in my heart of hearts I know losing Christian wasn't something He "did" to me and therefore not something I want to hold anger and resentment towards Him for. 

Wes and I attended a support group meeting last week for the first time, held at the hospital where both Chase and Christian were born. Thankfully it is in another part of the hospital, but I still had to walk past the small boutique where I will never get to buy a nursing cover-up for my sweet Christian. The meeting was good for us, another couple was in attendance and it was good to share our story and have our crazy, mixed-up feelings validated. It broke my heart to see their pain, 9 months out from their loss. I was so thankful for their openess and sharing their grief with us.

As I read my different books on grief (recently sprinkled with a break to read The Help, because I can only take so much of these books some days!) I read the following psalm:

Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. -Psalm 27:14

And it occurred to me as I really thought about this verse that I am not even sure what I am waiting for anymore. Of course I wait for His return, I wait for the life after this one when I will be reunited with Christian, my Dad, and so many others I can't wait to see. But what else do I wait for? Am I waiting for my pain and grief to go away? Because it will never completely go away, not in this life. Am I waiting for our lives to be the way they were before February 7th when everything changed? Am I waiting for the day when my family is "complete" the way we think we want it to be? Because those things aren't promised to us. I know too well that this life will bring us pain and suffering. So for today, even when I am feeling sad, angry, and a lot confused, I have to cling to Him to provide me with just what I need. Even when I'm not sure what that is, He knows.

I am not alone, because the Father is with me.
-John 16:32 


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