Thursday, June 7, 2012

My Missing Piece

So with June here I'm having some hard days.
 I'm not shocked, they don't feel completely out of left field.
Some moments it feels a lot like last year I suppose.
I was putting Chase down for a nap the other day and when I left his room I spotted a series of photographs in the hall of Chase eating a cupcake on his first birthday. And it felt like all the blood drained from my head and I felt weak all of a sudden when I realized that I should have a one year old. Had things been different. It takes my breath away and I suppose certain things always will. I wish I had a cake to order, a banner to make. I don't and it stinks, what can I say? Sometimes June hurts worse than April because it is a month full of what could have beens...
Some days I feel like I am still just trying to put the pieces of my life back together. I keep trying to control things and make everything seem right...but the truth is, I have a piece missing that won't ever be replaced. It's like when you're almost finished with a puzzle and can't finish because you don't have all the pieces. And you know it will never look the way it's supposed to look. Christian is my missing piece. In fact, I'm missing several pieces of my puzzle, but his piece hurts my heart the most.
Today I had a bad day so I suppose I'm having a little bit of a pity party and feeling sad. It's easy on these days for me to go back to missing him so much that my heart aches and I can't catch my breath. The loss isn't my whole life. But it's a huge part of it, and his missing piece affects my entire puzzle. And I don't think I would want it to NOT affect my life, because if anything it has taught me to think of this life as a prelude of what's to come one day when we are all together again.

And that's a beautiful thing.

I miss him, and that makes me sad. But I am happy. And sometimes I am overwhelmed that I can be so very happy and so very sad at the same time. I still choose JOY in my days because there is so much in this life to be thankful for.


Kara Masi said...

Oh Erin....

Grief isn't a pity party. I have had to remind myself this SEVERAL times recently because I felt that my meltdowns were something I allowed to happen. But you're right- we don't have the cakes to order, the banners to make.... there is a huge list of things we should be doing but instead, we have the memories of what we so badly wanted.

Sending you big hugs <3

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