Thursday, December 22, 2011

Remembering Christian at Christmas

Christian's Tree, December 2011

So I've been having a really bad case of the "what could have beens" lately. And it has been a bittersweet Christmas season. I'm sure from the looks of things on this blog things seem pretty joyful and happy most of the time. And believe me, there is JOY in my life. Perhaps if you run into me at the store I'll put on a smile and reply "OK" when asked how I am.

"OK" is how I am doing most of the time. But Christmastime has been especially hard and there have been days when things don't seem very "Christmasy." It is a bittersweet time. We enjoy making memories with Chase so much because we cherish every second we have with him.

We are grateful.

We are also sad that we can't celebrate Christmas with Christian in the way that we want to. There are no gifts to buy and wrap for him. No adorable Christmas outfit to look for and no "family of four" Christmas card photos. At least not how I imagined it would be. Our "sketch" of how we thought our family would look is so very different...yet we still must try to stay focused on God and see His purpose in all of it. And that's hard most days.

A good baby loss friend said to me the other day that this time of year, we celebrate the most important, precious baby of all, Jesus. And that little baby makes it possible for us to see our babies again someday. Oh, how those words have stayed with me, and what a blessing she is to me.
When I started thinking of ways to honor and remember Christian during the holidays, I wasn't sure what to do. There are no rule books for this. Some do a stocking, but my heart breaks to think of it sitting empty year after year, so we chose not to do that for now. We decided to get a Christmas tree for our sunroom that we can decorate with ornaments for him, and it is perhaps my favorite reminder of Christian during the Christmas season that we have. 
Christian, we miss you so much and wish so badly you were here with us this Christmas and every day. We know you are celebrating Christmas in heaven in a way we can only imagine.


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