Monday, September 26, 2011

5 months {and more fluttering friends}

Today marks 5 months out from losing Christian. Ugh, I had a bad weekend. Just down, and sad. I think the days leading up to the 26th of each month are kinda yucky days for me. The rainy, cloudy weather surely didn't help things! Sometimes I can feel the grief creeping up and I feel physically sick. It's amazing what a good cry can do for you! :) I've heard that the 5-6 month mark can be a hard time in one's grief journey.
It's still hard for me to believe a lot of days, that we lost him. That he is really gone and not here with us. I find myself thinking about him a lot when we do anything as a family because he's supposed to be here with us and nothing seems normal anymore because of that. I'm still adjusting to how that feels and think I always will. It's torture when I let myself think about how old he would be now and what he would be doing. Opening up the storage closet downstairs this weekend and putting a few more toys of Chase's in there is sad because I spot things like the old infant carrier and toys like teethers and rattles that should be out and being played with. I'm trying my best to not dwell on those things and instead find the beauty in my life and the many blessings God has given us. Somedays, though, it's just plain hard. And I have to allow myself to have those bad days in order to get through to the good ones.

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I truly love seeing butterflies around me, especially when I am not expecting them. Sometimes I am caught off guard and am really moved by them, sometimes they appear when I really need a reminder that Christian is in a wonderful place with His heavenly Father. I love it when friends and family share butterfly stories and photos with us. This summer I saw them almost every time Chase and I visited the pool. We see them a lot in our yard with the cooler weather we've been having. (I'm not looking forward to the winter when we won't see any!) We planted a butterfly bush and plan to add to our butterfly garden next spring too! Here are a few photos I was able to capture recently.



love this one of the butterfly flying around Chase, he loves them!

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hello. I've been checking into your blog occasionally since before you lost your little boy. Your post today seems sad and poignant. I am sorry for what you are going through. I hope it gives you some consolation, no matter how small, to know that people are thinking of you and sorrowing for you. May you find some peace in your heart in the time to come.

Tara said...

Erin, I know I haven't been in contact as often as I'd wanted to be, but I still think of you VERY often...I had forgotten that our angelversaries were so close in date. Much love to you.

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